So I've been dealing with some pretty heavy emotional stuff lately...having just returned from my latest trip to Arizona to be with my Mamadoll, who is 82, pretty much bedridden and pretty much doesn't want to be here anymore. It's a hard time. That's putting it lightly...it's excruciating is probably more accurate for me. Anyway, I'm doing the best I can with the situation, which without going into lots of detail, sucks big time. A friend of mine, who lost her mom a few years ago, has been sending me text messages with inspirational readings from a book she has...they were REALLY GOOD readings....the kind that every day hit you right where you live and make you suck air in and hold it for a moment and let it out in a long, grateful sigh of relief. I texted her and said "I love this book, what's it called?" She replied, "What's your address?"...so needless to say, when I returned home from Arizona there was a package on the counter with this book. These are the kinds of friends that I have today, which in and of itself it pretty freaking amazing and cool. But I'm reading the other day...it is by the way a daily reader...and this particular day it's about the significance of the moment....Later on in the morning I'm driving up to teach a yoga class, and it's monsoon raining out...really pouring. My mind instantly goes to "Man, it's raining REALLY HARD....I don't really like driving on this particular road when there's so much rain...sometimes the cars hydroplane, and sometimes the oncoming traffic actually sprays a sheet of water over your windshield and it's stresses me out...." So I'm driving and I notice that all the other drivers are playing nicely, and it was a pleasant drive...no clenched teeth, no tight jaw, no mumbling under my breath about how "they" are not driving safely enough. I pull into the parking lot and turn off my car. The rain is sort of cascading down my windshield like little rivers and big puddles moving down and it looks kinda neat. The sound of it on the roof of the car is nice and I'm just being present with it....then it happens....I notice the light coming through the windshield and it's reflecting off of the inside of my car door. The reflection of the water going down my windshield is going UP the inside of my door... I'm mesmerized by this and fascinated...
It occurs to me, that for everything that I see and attach a thought to, or write a story about in my mind as to how it's going to go, or judge as pleasant or unpleasant....there is another way to see it...the water is pouring down the windshield, but the reflection of the water is moving up. Just on the other side of all the pain and anguish of my Mamadoll's declining existence, is the joy and love and acceptance of a life well lived, and the undying love between mother and daughter.
There is no way to get around the fact that the upcoming trips (and I've already booked 2 more) to Arizona to spend time with my Mamadoll are going to be difficult emotionally for me, but I can also embrace the moment and show up with love.... love on her, smile and laugh with her, and
I am grateful for the moments of awareness that add such a richness to my life. I'm so glad that my Higher Power granted me the ability to be present for the present.
(and the name of that book is "To You, Love God", by Will Bowen...)